(The following is a redeux of “Obama’s Penis” posted here March 15, 2008.)
Walter Mondale was ahead of his time when he asked his prescient question, “Where’s the beef?”
Until now, we thought we were choosing presidents based on height. That’s because the tallest ones keep getting elected.
Meanwhile, in Ancient Rome they used to fill ministerial positions by who had what beneath his toga. That’s right, Roman ministers were chosen based on the length of their penises. Girth may have figured into the calculations as well, I can’t say for sure.
Although I sent my research staff to the Library of Congress to gather more information on this topic, because they were so immersed in the subject, they failed to return on time to include their findings in this article.
Let it suffice to say the Roman emperor, Varius Avitus Bassianus, better known as Elagabalus, who ruled Rome from 218-222 AD until he was 18-years-old when the Praetorian guards killed him and his mother, is best remembered for his penis competitions. Those of you who know me from the locker room, know why Elagabalus and I have much in common.
Now that times have changed and women also run for the “highest” office in the land, as well as for the heartbeat away from the highest office in the land, what used to pass as full disclosure is no longer applicable. We can’t compare Hillary or Sarah Palin to Obama based on height, since men on average are 10 percent taller than women. Nor can we compare their penis size because women, however envious, are lacking in that respect (feminists included).
If the competition were based on the size of thighs and butts, Hillary and Oprah would fare well, but that would be unfair to their tighter-assed male competitors. That’s why it’s only fair that we come up with a new system that rates male and female privates in a fair and balanced manner. If we were comparing based on olfactory cues, who knows where that would lead.
Since I’m still a stickler for tradition, I can’t help but focus on the fact that penises and clitorises grow proportionally to the amounts of hormones that surge at key times during development. Because these hormones also affect our behavior, it is of the utmost importance to force candidates to reveal what and how much of each hormone has surged through their systems and when, and then as frosting on the cake, we will also need full disclosure regarding their penis and clitoris lengths.
Congress is not in full agreement regarding the best way to do this. In the interest of full transparency, we could require re-candidates give us the full Monte. That’s not too dissimilar to the bathing suit competition at Miss America contests.
If you’re thinking, why measure the man’s penis when it would be much easier and just as relevant to know his shoe size, you’d be wrong because researchers who tested how closely correlated penis and shoe sizes are determined you can’t accurately “predict the size of a man’s penis by observing his shoe size” (“Study Alters Penile Code,” New York Post, October 3, 2002, page 17).
There’s no reason we should have to hire a special prosecutor to reveal such facts. Last time we did this it cost the American taxpayers almost $100 million dollars to dredge up as much information as we could about Bill Clinton’s engorged and flaccid member.
Thanks to Barack Obama’s vocal and visually oriented constituencies, Muslim women are claiming unfair discrimination because many among their ranks have had their clitoris removed.
Until now, clitoridectomies never posed such a problem for Muslim women, since in addition to having no clitoris, they also had no rights. Now all that’s changed here in America with our ungainly immigration issues. For now we are the biggest banana among the lesser Banana Republics. Having put our banana on the line where everyone can see it, it’s only fair that all those who want to be part of our democracy, play by our X-rated rules.
In case you were thinking, but Obama’s black, or at least part black, giving him an unfair advantage in the presidential arena, you’d be wrong again, because we’re measuring erect penises only, and Negro boners are no bigger than Caucasian boners.
The above discussion has saved the smallest topic for last: Muslim penis dimensions.
There’s a growing literature that convincingly contends Muslim men have tiny winkies. Scholars say Muslim deal with massive humiliation over minuscule peckers by cutting non-Muslim men’s heads off.
With that said, I think it’s time for Obama and his running mate and McCain and his amazingly attractive running mate to strut their stuff for all to see. And with regard to McCain’s amazingly attractive running mate, I wouldn’t mind getting an exclusive blog interview where I put her to the ultimate test: Scratch-’n-Sniff.
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This is a classic. Written by our beloved Shlomo.
I tip my hat to you sir.
I return the tip with my spodik or streimel. Depends on what I’m wearing at the time.