Breakfast with the Iranian Defense Minister

TEHRAN—I just arrived in Iran to speak with some of the top honchos about the game of Muslim Chicken they’re playing. I had breakfast with the defense minister who kept playing his government’s insidious game. Upping the ante, through me he attempted to warn Israel of a “very painful” response if it chose to defend itself against the Islamic Republic’s (Iran) going ballistic and going nuclear.

It took Iran a while to respond to Israeli Minister Shaul Mofaz who said because the United Nations was doing next to nothing to deny Iran the bomb-making potential, it looked “unavoidable” that Israel would have to act.

The Iranian Defense Minister thought a long time, swallowed some of his fatty goose liver, and finally said, “the response would be very painful.” I said, that may be true, but not acting could prove far more painful, to which he could only think of what was on the dessert menu.

Then he started blabbing about oil being up to $139 a barrel and no matter what happened, the Iranians were going to make out like bandits. I pulled out my cell phone and called Ehud Olmert who was in a meeting with his cabinet, and I overhead him telling everyone at the table to please “refrain from discussing sensitive matters publicly.”

Iran’s Defense Minister continued the conversation, with cheesecake oozing from the gaps between his yellowed teeth… I asked about this so-called energy program he had, and he smiled again, and winked, whispering something about a nuclear program and the existence of Israel.

Olmert called me back and said Iran’s nuclear program must be stopped by “all possible means.” Meanwhile, professional double-talkers keep talking up the “diplomatic solution” while wondering about what military actions might be taken and when and what all that might lead to.

Then the Iranian Defense Minister lit up a big fat Cuban cigar and ordered an after breakfast aperitif.